Only A Memory Page 23

  It’s 9.30 p.m. and Ava is asleep. Everly and I are sitting on the porch stairs, watching the stars.

  “What’s on your mind?” She’s been quietly staring into the night sky for a while now.

  She turns her head, looking at me with a soft smile. “Nothing actually, just enjoying the peace and quiet around here.”

  “It really is peaceful. We should do this more often. Too bad it’s almost over.” Next time, we need to stay longer.

  “Look”– she points at the sky in excitement– “A shooting star! It’s been ages since I saw one.”

  “Did you make a wish?” I tease her.

  “Like I’m gonna tell you.” She rolls her eyes playfully. “Then it won’t come true.”

  “That’s just a myth. You want to know what my wish was?” I whisper in her ear, my breath tickling her skin.

  She giggles. “I think I already know.”

  My teeth catch her earlobe, biting down softly. “Oh, yeah? Because I’d rather show you. In several different positions.”

  My phone beeps, making me groan. Leaning away slightly, I reach into my pocket, not letting go of Everly. Dana’s text illuminates the screen.

  Dana: You busy? Could you drop by my house for a second?

  When Everly sees the message, her playful and carefree expression is wiped from her face.

  “What does she want now?” She heaves a heavy sigh. “Does she really need to text you every fucking day?”

  Ever since I told Dana I’m dating Everly, she’s become rather annoying. Not a day goes by that she doesn’t call or text, and it’s always something trivial. A few days ago, when I finally answered the phone after a bunch of missed calls, she begged me to come to her house. Just because she sounded desperate I thought something was wrong, I went over to check on her. Big mistake. She waited in the middle of her living room, wearing sexy lingerie, holding a silk robe in each hand, asking me which one I liked better. I was furious and demanded she stop contacting me unless it’s work-related, but she only laughed. I told Everly what happened, and she almost went to her house, wanting to knock her teeth out.

  “Don’t worry about her.” I stuff the phone back in the pocket, not even bothering to reply.

  Everly shakes her head, pushes away from me and stands up. “How can I not worry if she’s obsessed with you? Do you think I like seeing her crawl all over you on a daily basis? Her disgusting hands on you?” Her shoulders sag, exhaling loudly. She’s pissed.

  “You know I don’t even notice that. Let’s just ignore her and enjoy our evening,” my voice is soothing. “She’ll stop when she realizes nothing will come of it.” Everly really has nothing to worry about.

  “I doubt that.” She rolls her eyes, looking away. “How would you feel if Gavin kept texting me and touching me every chance he got?” she hisses.

  “What are you talking about? Is he touching you?” He is dead if that’s true. I’m going to kick his fucking ass. I know they still grab coffee together occasionally even though I hate it. They’re friends. But just hearing about him touching her makes me want to break some bones. Gavin has a thing for Everly, it’s clear to any person with a functioning set of eyes. I trust her and know she wouldn’t do anything to compromise our relationship. But if he ever touched her, even to grab her hand, I’d rip his fucking balls off.

  “No, he’s not touching me,” she hisses. “It was just an example so you could see how it feels.” Everly sighs, shaking her head as if she’s fed up with the conversation. She shifts weight from one leg to another.

  “How am I supposed to believe you?” Anger seeps in my voice. “You never tell me anything. I feel like I’m constantly trying to pull information from you. It’s so fucking frustrating. You’re so secretive, and I hate it!” I throw my hands in the air. “I’m getting sick and tired of it. Whenever I ask something personal, you say you don’t want to talk about it and shrug it off. When are you going to share anything important? I can’t read minds, so I don’t know about your thoughts and experiences. Enlighten me, how the hell should I know how close Gavin is with you? And how close you are with him?” I exclaim in frustration.

  Everly gapes at me in shock. “You know what?” she shoves me hard. “Fuck you.” She stalks inside the house, her gait furious.

  “What?” I chase after her. “That’s all you’re going to say?”

  She slams our bedroom door right into my face in response, which doesn’t surprise me. She can be pretty fierce. Barging in, I pin her against the wall, crushing my body to her.

  “Let go of me,” her voice seems calm, but she’s anything but with that burning hard stare and her nostrils flaring.

  “Not until we talk this through.”

  “I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to do anything with you right now. I’m angry and offended you’d even think … Just let go of me.” She doesn’t want to look at me and keeps trying to push me away.

  “No.”

  “No?” she questions.

  “No,” I repeat. “We can stand here the whole night, but you will listen to me.” I won’t go to bed until we make up. “I’m sorry, okay?” I say calmly. I don’t even know how the hell we got from Dana’s text to this. She stops resisting me, so I touch my forehead to hers. “I’m really sorry, I have no idea what came over me. I guess I was jealous, okay?” I have no reason to be, I know that. She cares for me, I know that, too, I feel it, she shows me every day. But I also know there’s something she hides from me, and the thought of her not trusting me fucking bothers me. In a way, she’s still pushing me away, and no matter how hard I try, there are still walls around her. I need to be patient and wait for her to open up. The minute I start pressing she usually closes up.

  Nodding, she sighs. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have flipped out over Dana.” Her shoulders sag, she leans into me, taking a deep breath. My arms come around her shoulders, and her own wrap around my waist. Sliding my hands lower to her ass, I lift her up, kissing her softly and slowly, my tongue meeting hers as I deepen the kiss. She moans into my mouth, the sound urgent and desperate. Carrying her to our bed, I make it up to her in many different positions.

  In the morning, we are lying in bed, our limbs tangled, when Ava storms into the bedroom.

  “Can I join you?” she asks, Charlie in her hand as always.

  Nodding, I lift the covers so she can climb in between us.

  “Daddy, why are you only in your undies? Where are your pajamas?” I should have known she would notice my lack of clothes.

  Everly and I share a look. But it’s a calm one.

  After I carried her to bed last night and made sweet love to her long into the night, we put on our underwear and Everly threw her sleeveless top over her head before we fell asleep. “It was hot during the night so I took it off,” I explain calmly.

  “Okay.” Ava nods and changes topics. “Do you want to know about my dream?”

  “Sure,” I mumble, still half asleep.

  “I turned into a mermaid in my dreams and then a shark chased me around, but I escaped him. Do you know how fast I swam? He couldn’t even catch me.” Ava animatedly waves her hands in the air as she explains.

  “What happened then?” Everly asks.

  “Nothing.” Ava shrugs. “I woke up. Are you going to get up soon? I’m really bored.”

  “You can turn the TV on and watch cartoons, we’ll be right there, okay?” I don’t let her watch a lot of TV, but we’re on vacation and I really don’t want to get out of bed yet.

  “Really?” Her eyes brighten up. “Yay.” She jumps a few times before climbing down and disappearing around the corner.

  Everly grins.

  “What?” She’s too far away from me on the other side of the bed so I pull her in my arms.

  “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you just bought her a dog, not only allow her to watch cartoons.”

  “W—”

  “Daddy!” Ava yells from the other room, stopping me from saying a
nything. “The TV isn’t working!”

  Covering my head with a pillow, I sigh. “Did you press the red button?” I shout from the bedroom so she can hear me.

  “Yes, but it still isn’t working!” comes her reply.

  “Coming!” I groan, stealing a kiss from Everly before throwing the covers off and getting up. I feel her eyes on me as I stand up. “Don’t look at me like that.”

  “Like what?” she asks with a playful smile, leaning back on the headboard, licking her lips seductively while pulling a strap of her top down her shoulder.

  “Like that.” I wave my finger at her. “You’re making me horny on purpose.”

  “Me?” she pouts, all innocent. “I’m just sitting here”– she says, eyes big and fluttery as she throws the covers to the side and crosses her long legs in front of her– “watching you getting dressed.”

  “Tease.”

  I escape from the bedroom before I lose all my self-control and head to the bathroom to take a leak. I take my dick out of my boxers and close my eyes while I do my business.

  “Wow, Daddy, you have a big willy.”

  “Fuc—” I jump at the sound of Ava’s voice, nearly spraying her with my pee in the process, biting down on my tongue to stop from cursing.

  “My friends from preschool don’t have one that big.” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at her comment. And how does she know how big her friend’s dicks are anyway?

  “What are you doing here, Ava? I thought you were in the living room.”

  It’s not like Ava’s never seen me naked. She often wanders into the bathroom while I’m taking a shower, but she sneaked up on me and caught me off guard this time.

  “Charlie is taking a poo, I’m waiting for him to finish.” She points to the corner by the tub where her bear is sitting on a potty.

  Nodding, I wash my hands and go to the kitchen, the sleepiness from before completely vanished from my system. I need to be more careful in the future so Ava doesn’t catch me in more embarrassing situations. She’s more curious every day, and sneaks up on you so quietly you don’t even realize she’s in the room with you. Chuckling to myself, I shake my head.

  “What’s so funny?” Everly asks as I enter the kitchen. She’s already making us breakfast.

  “Nothing really.” My stubble tickles her neck as I press into her from behind. “What can I do to help?”

  “You can make some coffee.”

  Breakfast is ready in no time and we call Ava to join us at the table. The little ray of sunshine skips into the kitchen and plops down on her chair.

  “Evi, do you know that Daddy has a big willy?” Ava casually comments as she grabs two pieces of toast from the basket, one for her and one for Charlie.

  Everly almost chokes on her coffee.

  “He really does.” Ava nods and takes a sip of cocoa.

  Everly gives me a questioning look, barely containing her laughter.

  “Well, now it’s official. I have a big willy,” I whisper in her ear, wiggling my eyebrows suggestively. Ava doesn’t pay us any attention as we chuckle and whisper, she’s busy feeding Charlie breakfast.

  I t’s been a few weeks since our weekend getaway, and Connor still finds ways to show me his affections every day. Every moment I’m not with Carlos, I spend with Connor and Ava. She never ceases to shock, surprise, and make us laugh with her comments, opinions, and discoveries about the world on a daily basis. If we’re not taking trips to the local attractions, we play at home or head to the beach. As I promised, I went to see Ava at her gymnastics class. She has her first competition in a week. Her abilities as a gymnast are quite impressive.

  We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together, and in two days, New Year’s Eve will be here. I’m dreading this day. If I could, I would just lay low and skip the whole festivities, curled up in my bed with a book, away from everyone. Even though it was supposed to be the most joyous and cheerful time of the year, saying goodbye to the old, and welcoming the new year, laughing, singing, and celebrating with your loved ones. But not for me. I hate Christmas lights and they are everywhere I turn. I hate them. I despise them. If it weren’t for the lights, Bradley and Faith would still be alive. They would live, breathe, laugh, and enjoy all the things people take for granted. Connor still doesn’t know about them or the fire, and all the other things connected with that horrific day. There’s so much to tell, but I can’t seem to find the right words. I’m afraid he’ll judge me, just like the way I’ve been judging and blaming myself for the past several years. Of course, he knows I’m hiding something. He’s witnessed my weird behavior before, and he has more questions now that I keep nagging him to check whether all the lights have been turned off before bed. My nightmares are still here, following me around, even more frequent and brutal this time of year. Meditation and yoga help ease my anxiety a little, but it’s like a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.

  Doctor Finn is patient with me, slowly coaxing me out of my shell, and I’ve come to trust her more. She’s helping me face emotions I’m not good at exploring on my own.

  Connor is in the shower. He just got back from his run, and Ava is still asleep, so are Dolores and Carlos. I’m sitting at the kitchen island, a full cup of coffee in front of me, and have been talking on the phone with Amber for the past ten minutes. Amber’s voice is like a soothing medicine for my soul. She’s one of the few people, besides my parents, who knows how hard this holiday is for me, what hell I’ve gone through. When she stops rambling about all the things that have happened in her life since we last spoke, I know what’s coming.

  “How are you holding up?” She asks the same question every year, except that this is the first time we’re not having this conversation in person.

  “I’m okay, I guess. It’s nice that I’m not alone. Connor and Ava are a good distraction, so I don’t think about it too much.”

  “You still haven’t told him?” She sighs in disappointment. “What are you waiting for?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll tell him, just not now. After the holidays, I promise. I actually wanted to do it twice last week but I chickened out. I’m so afraid of his reaction. It’s bad enough I blame myself, but I wouldn’t be able to handle it if he did the same.” I circle the rim of my coffee mug with my finger.

  “You love him.” This isn’t a question, she can hear it in my voice.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. “More than life itself.”

  “I thought so. He’s a good guy. I’m sure he’ll understand. Just tell him already. Postponing might just make things worse, it can bite you in the ass.” I already heard these words, differently phrased, from Dr. Finn. And not just once.

  “How am I supposed to tell him it’s my fault they’re dead? Tell me! I’ll have that fire on my conscience for the rest of my life.” My head starts spinning just at the thought of it.

  “It wasn’t your fault, dammit, stop saying that! It was an accident! How many times do I have to tell you? Live, babe, and love. You deserve all of it. You need to tell him.”

  “I know. And I will. After everything calms down, I promise. I just don’t want to ruin his holidays.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  “Where are you going to spend the New Year’s Eve?” I change the topic. She loves this time of year as much as I hate it.

  “God knows. You know parties always find me no matter where I am. I just have to find someone who will bring me into the New Year in a very explosive and orgasmic way.” We both chuckle.

  “That’s what I thought.”

  “Have fun,” she says before we hang up. I take sip of my coffee.

  “Good morning.” I spin around to see an impeccably dressed Dana with calculating smile playing on her lips.

  “Dana,” I stare at her wide-eyed, swallowing hard, my mind racing. She’s placing her phone in the purse. “What are you doing here?” God, did she hear me talking to Amber? Probably not, but I still go through our conversation in my mind, just to be safe.

&nbs
p; “Connor and I have a work meeting. I’ve come over to pick him up if you must know.”

  “H-how did you get in?”

  “The door was unlocked.” She rolls her eyes. “I didn’t break in if that’s what you were thinking.”

  “Would you like some coffee?” Trying to be polite, I give her a small smile.

  “No, thank you. I’m sure Connor will be here soon. We’re in a hurry,” she says dismissively.

  Connor didn’t mention she’d be stopping by. He must have forgotten. Lately, he’s been so busy, working overtime at Mi Vida so he could spend the holidays at home.

  “How long—” I don’t get the chance to ask her how long she’s been standing there because Connor walks in, presses a kiss to my mouth, stealing my mug of coffee in the process and taking a sip.

  “Tastes like heaven. Is there any left?” I jerk my head toward the counter. “Oh, Dana.” He finally sees we have a guest. “I didn’t know you’re already here.”

  “I came a minute ago. Shall we go? The clock is ticking.” Dana taps the screen of her expensive wrist watch impatiently.

  “Let me just drink this, and then we can go.” Connor pours coffee into the mug.

  Despite working constantly, he looks fresh and well-rested. Last night in bed, we talked about his crazy working hours. I don’t want him to get sick from all the exertion and the stress. He promised to take a few days off, and we’re looking forward to spend some quality time together. Truth be told, the only time I’m not thinking about Faith and Bradley is when I’m with Connor. He calms me more than yoga and meditation together.

  “Did you see my keys, babe?” Looking around himself, he inspects the kitchen. Dana cringes when he calls me babe.

  “I think they’re in the living room on the coffee table.” That’s where I saw them yesterday, at least.

  “Oh, I thought we’re taking my car.” Dana doesn’t look happy, but I don’t really care. The less time they spend together, the better.